7 Steps to Escape the Dangerous Paradox of Perfectionism
#1: Get to know who you are
Wanting to get closer to perfection is one thing. Needing to touch it to feel worthy is another.
Put simply; perfectionism is self-abuse disguised as the pressing need for self-improvement.
In essence, perfectionism is an entrapping paradox. The more we try to attain perfection, the less perfect we become. I fell into this trap even as I was typing this article. I tried to nail my opening line. I wanted it to be perfect for you and capture your attention. The more I fretted about it, the more anxious I got.
“Am I going to hold their attention?”
“Is this opening line witty enough?”
“Do I know enough about the subject?”
The answer to these questions doesn’t matter. In the end, I had nothing to show for my time investment. I had surrendered myself to paralysis by analysis.
From an evolutionary background, perfectionism makes sense. Throughout our evolution as a species, high-performers ranked higher in their tribes or groups. They were more respected, celebrated, and their opinion was held in higher regard compared to others. And since we share the same brain with our distant ancestors while living in an utterly different world, our inherent needs remain the same.
Ultimately, perfectionism is the need for love, acceptance, and admiration — to be seen, heard, and acknowledged, but with an egoic spin.
Yet, perfectionism is a selfish pursuit
Perfectionists are usually blind to their nature and obsessional. They want everything their way, and they expect perfection. This behavior creates a bubble around them that makes them inflexible and rigid in the way they see things. They embrace an all-or-nothing mindset.
Because they have such high standards and stick to them so obsessively, their work and relationships tend to suffer.
The perfectionist's most common pitfall is the unrealistic expectations they have from themselves, others, and the world. This creates a gap in how they view the world, the people around them, and how reality actually looks like.
Don’t mistake perfectionism for healthy self-improvement
Perfectionism screams, “I need to be perfect, or else I’m inadequate.” This need stems from a lack of self-awareness, the inability to accept a different reality, and rejection. As a result, perfectionists tend to get disappointed a lot.
Healthy self-improvement calmly advises, “I have to improve so that I can enjoy a happier life.” It’s oriented towards self-improvement so that we can actualize a better future for ourselves. The ease with which we pursue self-development stems from self-acceptance and self-awareness. Healthy self-improvement generates self-satisfaction.
As Brene Brown says, “Perfectionism is armor.”, and drawing a parallel from that, if perfectionism is armor, self-acceptance is a Damascus-steel sword.
Perfectionism throttles performance
The more we try to attain perfection, the less perfect we become.
Trying to be perfect imposes unrealistically high demands on us and others. Aiming for and chasing perfection can be an entrapping paradox.
On one side, if we have unrealistic expectations from others, we tend to put a lot of pressure on them, and since they can’t, and usually won’t, rise to the level of our expectations, we get disappointed. We either try to fix their behavior or abandon the relationship.
On the other side, if we have unrealistic expectations from ourselves, we try to be perfect and never make any mistakes. Nobody can be this precise. This puts a lot of pressure on us and creates anxiety. In an anxious state, our performance diminishes greatly.
The whole notion of perfectionism is to be perfect, yet by being perfectionists, we achieve the complete opposite.
There are three kinds of perfectionism
- Self-oriented perfectionism, where the person tries to adhere to high standards, achieve perfection and avoid failure. This results in harsh self-judgment, and by extension, self-rejection.
- Other-oriented perfectionism, where the person has unrealistic expectations of other people. This kind of perfectionist is rigorous and rigid when assessing how others perform no matter the environment.
- Socially-prescribed perfectionists believe that others have unrealistically high expectations of them, and they don’t want to fail in their eyes. These people judge themselves hardly, and when they can’t rise to the level of their projections, they reject themselves.
1. Get to know who you are
Building self-awareness is a crucial step. To change, you must first identify what’s holding you back from becoming who you want to be.
The problem is, nobody teaches us self-awareness as we grow up. Still, it’s the most important skill one can have to go forward.
Self-awareness is the ability to notice your thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, and how you interact with the world.
Before taking a shot at change, you first have to know what to change.
2. Accept who you are and that you can change
Once you train your self-awareness muscle, you have to accept your emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
You have to accept that everything you are right now can change. You have to acknowledge that change is possible if you put in the time and effort. Many people have done it before you, so why can’t you?
3. Be compassionate to yourself and others
Once you notice and accept your current reality, you have to shift your approach towards yourself, others, and life.
If you’re a perfectionist, then you often fall into the habit of judging. You take the blame or blame others, or you think others blame you. It all depends on the kind of perfectionist you are.
Learning to be more self-compassionate is no easy feat, yet it’s one of the most important things you can do to ease the pressure you put on yourself and others.
Whenever you find yourself judging harshly, halt. Ask yourself, “If this was my best friend, what would I tell them?”
4. See things differently
This is called cognitive reappraisal. Ιt’s a lesson from the ancient Stoics and a cognitive behavioral therapy method (CBT). It also goes hand-in-hand with practicing self-compassion.
Everything in life is about our perspective. It’s not about what happens in your life, but what meaning you assign to it.
If you experience a toxic relationship, you can choose to see it as a failure and wonder why this happened to you. This way, you put yourself in a victim mindset — and I’m not saying that you possibly haven’t been victimized, because many people clearly have been, and still are- but it doesn’t help you learn and pivot out of the victim feelings, become more emotionally resilient, and improve. Or, you can choose to see what you can learn from that bad relationship. What worked, what didn’t, what you want and don’t want in a partner, which red flags to avoid next time, and what you could do differently.
It’s all a matter of perspective, and choosing, in the words of Carol Dweck, to be more growth-oriented instead of remaining rigid in the face of difficulties, can help you move forward.
5. Set healthier standards and goals
Perfectionists tend to aim for the stars, which is why they often crush hard. Setting unrealistically high standards and goals is a recipe for disaster. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
If you or someone else doesn’t meet your expectations, you become judgmental.
Learning to set clear-cut, attainable goals and standards is a simple way to shift yourself out of your perfectionistic thinking.
6. Embrace a childlike attitude
If you’re a perfectionist, you accept nothing less than perfection. That’s an impossible feat, especially when starting something new.
Imagine a toddler trying to learn how to walk. Do they try to get it perfect the first time?
Do they care about getting it perfect the first time? If they did, then they would never try, never fail, and never learn.
Instead, they don’t think about being ready. They do what they can. They try. They hit the floor. Trying teaches them how to balance. They don’t care about failure. It’s all play.
7. Don’t wait to feel ready. Rather do the thing to feel ready
If you’re a perfectionist, then you wait until the right moment. Whether it knows enough to launch your business, feeling in-tune so that you can begin your weight loss journey, feeling emotionally and mentally safe to get in a relationship, no matter what it is, readiness is never a result of waiting.
It’s only by doing the thing that you feel more confident to do the thing.
Readiness is thin-air.
It only exists in your mind.
